Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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