you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
