He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
