mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
