I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
