Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
