You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
