felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
