So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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