I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
