Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
