My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
