I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
