just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
