so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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