Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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