I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
After last night, I could never be a politician.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
