she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
