Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All the doctor said was why
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
