just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
