So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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