why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
