nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
