turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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