I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
