Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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