Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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