The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.