I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.