if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
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My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.