Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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