I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
