Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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