Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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