the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
