I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I am available for nakedness
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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