good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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