just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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