Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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