mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
