well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
