This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
