Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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