It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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