I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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