im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
