i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
