peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
