No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
