I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
