twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
