Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
