PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
