After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
