I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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