Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
