I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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