M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize