i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
