im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
