Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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