he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
