Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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